Single?

Not all times of the year are easy to be Single. I think we can all agree this is one of them.

I think I have turned into someone who chooses to be single. I use this language because it feels empowering….and I’ve definitely chosen to be single rather than remain in relationships that don’t satisfy my soul.

Because of this, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life single so I feel incredibly qualified to appreciate what it’s like to be single during the holidays. And I was wondering if there are those of you out there who may not choose to be single but find yourself there anyway…and were wishing you had some coping techniques? I have an entire satchel full and I’m happy to share if it helps you get through this cold and potentially lonely season.

This first part you probably aren’t going to like very much if you’re looking for a quick fix because it’s anything but a quick fix. In fact, I think it’s taken well over a decade and I’m still kinda a work in progress….

The first thing I had to do when I actively chose to be single was learn to fall in love with myself.

Yes, I just wrote that.

I don’t mean that cheesy self help way that all the hallmark cards point to. I don’t mean the obnoxious way that comes from happily married people. I mean actually choosing myself as my partner.

That probably reads pretty weird. But it is in fact what I meant. I have chosen myself as my partner.

That means choosing myself as the person who entertains me. Who loves me unconditionally. Who supports my emotional needs.

And I’m not ashamed to admit that I have my woe-is-me periods which have me wishing I had an actual human partner and not just the one I see in the mirror….but I am after all human. I do sometimes wonder if my luck is going to change and the perfect person will just waltz down the produce aisle and start a conversation with me. And I will freely admit that it has in fact taken the better part of a decade to look at myself as a lover would. As a partner. 

How did I make this transition?

I’ve learned to thank myself when I make myself amazing meals. I make really gorgeous baths for myself as a reward for a long day. I make sure to always tell myself how nice I look after I get dressed. And I look deeply into my eyes when I say these things. I make sure I’m hearing all the things that my heart wants to hear from someone who really loves me. Because I do.

I realize this may sound daunting. Maybe even cheesy. But honestly everything I have to say after this is built on the idea that this reality is exactly where I want to be….not a holding space for what’s to come. This is my life. This is your life. If it was supposed to be different it would be. So why fight it? Why pine for the thing that is actually staring you right in the face? It’s just a polarity shift…and like I said…it took some time for this to feel real for me.

That being said, sometimes I do in fact miss partnership with other humans. And so I pick up the phone and I call one of my dozens of amazing friends that I have a soul connect with and I feel much better. Is it always easy? Do I sometimes have a crying jag before I remember to phone a friend? You bet I do. I’m not ashamed to admit it. And I’m thankful for remembering all the parts of myself that need to be heard, even the ones that seem inconvenient.

And I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that it’s never all roses with a another human partner…so these breakdowns are all part of a regular relationship anyway 🙂

But when I really feel down in the dumps I remember what I felt like in those relationships that made my soul wither. That made me feel like I didn’t matter. That made me feel small, and sometimes scared, and always that I should be anywhere but there. I remember that feeling of wanting out. Of wanting to run! And in those moments, my connection with myself grows even stronger. And I light some candles, and listen to music and enjoy the hell out of my space!

So let’s get on with this and think a little more about what to do when you’re single during the holidays.

It’s really quite easy after that first one. Make sure you have plenty of time with friends. If you don’t have a bunch of friends make sure you have a bunch of movies queued up that you can’t wait to see. Books you’ve been putting off that you really want to read. Firewood ready so you can make a gorgeous fire at a moments notice. Fun things to put in a bath so you can do something delicious that feels decadent. Have on hand things you love, things you know make your heart happy.

Go out to dinner with yourself or with friends it doesn’t matter. I love eating alone at restaurants with a good book and some good people watching. That’s a great night for me. (No dishes to do and lots of eye candy 🙂

Even though it’s cold and sometimes rainy—get out in nature. Smell the smells. Listen to the sounds. All of this resets you.

If you have family around and that’s triggering for you— then my advice is limit your exposure. There is no rule that says how much time you have to spend with your family. However as a healer, I would recommend figuring out how to get neutral with your family because it saves a lot of energy. (I recently healed a long time rift with my sister and it’s the most amazing gift I have ever given myself.)

Always make sure you have special treats in your house. Food doesn’t heal loneliness but sweets help sweeten you! Eat them mindfully. Let me say that again, eat them mindfully. (And in case you are wondering I get all my ideas for sweets on www.detoxinista.com).

Being Single can just be an attitude. And when you choose it, I mean really choose it that beacon that’s always looking for where your partner is…gets to take a little break. It doesn’t mean someone won’t show up on your doorstep synchronistically…it doesn’t mean you won’t run into your future partner in the parking lot…or waiting in line at the post office. It just means that when you are with yourself you honor that time as precious, as creative, as relaxing and generating!

People always say to me, “I can’t believe your single!” Like it’s some curse or something and I have a variety of responses to that, depending on how frisky I feel…but mostly I just say…”I have never met anyone I like to spend time with more than myself.” And so far ladies and gents, that’s true.

I hope this helps in some small way. I hope you understand the value of seeing yourself a little differently. I hope you allow yourself some peace and remove the stigma from Single and burn it in the fireplace where it belongs!

Happy Holiday Season…and good luck falling in total bliss with yourself and your life 🙂