It’s that time of year when the blues can seem to peak their head around every corner.
I am reminded of a period in my life, after my divorce, when I was trying to figure out who I was. When I was trying to piece together all the trails to make sure I had sure footing, had some idea of which direction to go.
I am reminded of a meditation I started, which would take me two years to be able to even scratch the surface.
It’s energy is so powerful that I return to it often (not often enough) to recharge and feel grounded and find my place.
It’s simple really.
Walk into your bathroom, take off your glasses if you are wearing them, look in the mirror and stare into your eyes. When you really see them looking back at you say three easy words.
I love you.
Try it, I’ll wait.
Well, how did you do?
The first time I did it…every time I was about to say the word “love” my eyes would dart around looking for spots on the mirror I needed to clean.
I would try again…take a deep breath and say out loud to myself, “I love you.”
I could not do it.
I set a timer that first time for 5 minutes.
Not a single time in that five minutes could I do it.
After a week I lengthened my timer to 10 minutes. That whole week, even though I thought I was giving myself enough time to finish the task, I couldn’t do it.
So the next week I made it 15 minutes.
And then it was 2 years later.
I maybe missed 10 days in two years…and it’s this random day. Much has changed. Too much to even put here…but still I am looking in the mirror. But this day…I just breathe. In and out, eyes glued to the mirror glued to me. I see me.
And my timer goes off and I hadn’t tried even once to say it. I turned the timer off, breaking contact with myself . But I wasn’t ready to stop.
I looked in the mirror into my eyes, and past myself. I saw into me. I saw the light that I am. I saw the love that I am. I saw the sweetness that I am and I said to myself, “I love you.”
I love you
I love you
I love you. Eyes glued to eyes. Not even a little dart. I saw me.
I climbed up on the counter to get closer to the mirror and kept saying it, crying with the most profound gratitude.
I put my hands on either side of my face’s reflection and kept saying it. Feeling it. Hearing it. Taking it in.
I sat on the counter with myself for a long time. Just basking in this amazing revelation.
It took me two years…almost to the day.
When life gets heavy…I find myself gravitating to the bathroom, to remove my glasses and look inside myself and make sure I’m still there. I give myself permission to feel all that I’m feeling, but I make sure it’s all coming from a place of deep love and respect…not of some kind of self sabotage.
I can’t fool myself. Sometimes my eyes dart around and I settle in until I feel ready and try again…work through whatever that disconnect was.
Staring into the mirror like this is the safest place I know. It’s the only place I know where I can’t hide from the truth.
And yes, there have been days when I have given myself space to figure out what I need to figure out and try again when I have a little surer footing, but those days are rare and I dare say, also important.
I offer this meditation to you sweet friends. And I offer the slow sweet nectar of love’s remembrance. It took me two years…there is no time limit…we have been told so many stories. We have been hurt and damaged… But if we learn to find ourselves…we can start to repair that hurt. We can find the wholeness we crave.
The holidays are all about stillness actually. That is what the winter solstice gifts us. A time to come inside our own house and find peace. Finding time for that will offer you the sweetest rewards, the most profound self gratitude.
In love and wishing you the bounties you desire…and for my Jewish readers…Happy Hanukkah!